Why am I doing this?

So… things have gotten a little boring on this blog, and I decided to add a few words in between “things” postings.

I’ve been asked a few times why I am doing this project– specifically, what it is about turning 40 that has prompted me– and if this project is just another version of a “bucket list”.  I think this post is the perfect time and place to address both of these subjects.

It has taken me a series of events to figure out the answer to the “what is it about turning 40” question. I really am learning a lot about myself and the people around me through this project, and I’m only a little ways in– I can only imagine what is in store for me! I think it boils down to a couple of things.  In my life, I’ve done, and am doing, several things that I have always wanted to do.  For the most part, though, I think that I would define these things as “safe”.  While some of the things I have done might be uncomfortable for others, they have all pretty much been comfortable on some level to me.  I have always said that I never rebelled, and when it came, it would be big, so in a way, that is a part of it, too.  I think “regret” also plays a part– who wants to grow old, and look back at life and think, “why didn’t I…”?  More than all of that, I think it has a lot to do with fear.  There is so much in life that we don’t do because of that four-letter word.  I’m learning through this experience that embarrassment is rooted in that word.  There is a lot out there that we don’t do for the fear of embarrassment.  If anything, this “39 Things” thing is about getting rid of that fear.  I am learning not to care how I seem to people… does it really matter if I seem like a dork to someone?  Does it really matter if someone thinks that I am pathetic for something I have never experienced before?  If I care about those things, I will never admit that I haven’t done some things, and I will never do them.  Isn’t it more important that I do them than it is to worry about how I appear to people?  I’m not saying that I should do things without regard to how the people in my life feel about it… but there are some things that I need to admit that I have never learned, and learn how to do them.

For me, before turning 40 just makes sense. I don’t plan on “quitting” this project when I get to the “40” goal.  I already see the ways that it has changed me, and is changing me.  My hope is that I will continue to change and grow, and experience things that are outside my normal comfort level.  I am sure there are way more things than 39 that I have never experienced due to the fear of doing them.  That is why this is not a bucket list.  There is no real end to changing.  This is not a list of things I want to do before I die.  this is a list of experiences that I want to permanently change through.

So far, I’m seeing how it has changed what my children are willing to try– they are giving up fears themselves.  I have seen the change in the way my husband looks at me– like maybe he doesn’t actually know everything there is to know about me yet.  I’ve been told by others that they are going to try similar things.  I’ve watched a few people do some things I never would have thought they would do… it’s grown into something bigger than me, and I feel humbled and honored by that.  I see how we all influence each other, whether we mean to or not.  I’m also learning how to enjoy myself.  We allow ourselves to hold ourselves back– we put ourselves in a box, and tell ourselves that we can think outside that box, but can’t actually leave it, because we have this obligation or that responsibility.  That is a lie we tell ourselves so that we don’t have to try anything that makes us uncomfortable.  We miss out on so much because of that lie– and no one else is responsible for the belief that we afford it but us.

So… “39 Things” is about me being scared, but doing it anyway… it’s about me doing things that might make me look stupid.  It’s about me learning to smile a little more.  It’s about me not being in control of everything.  It’s about flying by the seat of my pants a little bit.  It’s about learning, changing, and growing.  It’s not about dying, or even arriving… it’s about living.